i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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