Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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