I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
