i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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