I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
