we have pet lesbian snakes
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
