Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
