i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
zippers are such a cool invention
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
