went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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