It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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