Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
