did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
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It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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