tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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