Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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