"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
do herpes really smell.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
