Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
