My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
