why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
