just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
