what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
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