You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
