im six kinds of drunk right now
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
