I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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