If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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