i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
