cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
