Capitaan dildo arrescate!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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