textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
