I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
