so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
