and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
