so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
