First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
