My friends, they love my intelligence
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
