hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
