you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
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he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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