And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.