You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"