never play flip cup with pint glasses
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
