Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
