I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
