Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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