Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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