Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
