Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
