Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My vagina just recognized that song.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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