i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
