I will die if light touches me.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
