Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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