i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
