dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
