U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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