They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Semen is not good for contacts.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
