Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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