I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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