just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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